nothing but loose ends (thalia)

[2tsunz]

mar. 30

i got a new pokemon today. a chikorita. i-i don't know what to do with it. i don't even want to look at it. i just shoved it in my pc and watched my hands shake. starting over again, is hard, but at least i can pretend i have a purpose. forge myself like the point of a spear. i never had an eevee before. or a dratini. they aren't as hard. they don't feel real.

when i saw that chikorita, though, and it looked back up at me...

i wanted to vomit. my stomach still feels tied in a knot.  it isn't fair

maybe i'll find someone to pawn it off on. another trainer who needs it for the fight. or maybe just a kid who wants a pokemon. yeah, i like that idea. a kid who wants a starter and hasn't been able to get one because. well, the obvious. a kid who will love it and dote on it and they'll become partners, friends, mirror each other. do everything together. i think that'd be good. i hope a kid like that. i wonder how many kids made it out of bacchus. 

i should go sleep now--

[2tsunz]

i've forgotten what day it is

i won my first gym challenge since i've come back to kohaku. in fairness to myself, this is also the first gym battle i've engaged in since i came back to kohaku. this is the first time i've had pokemon that could fight a gym leader.

...

it felt the same as any other gym battle. i don't know why i expected it to feel different. i really thought that it would. i thought that somehow everything that was happening, everything that has happened, would taint it. but the moment it started, and my dratini was facing jasper's shieldon and all that mattered was how to ko it (not kill it not kill it not kill it) and win and tactics weren't the difference between life and death--

everything felt the same. everything fell away like i was a kid again.

i don't know if i'm glad for that, or if i hate it.